PREMATURE EJACULATION - WHAT IT IS AND HOW TO HEAL IT
In a session with a client:
«You may criticize my career choice, the way I dress, the way I speak.
But you can’t criticize how much I earn or my sex, and my ability to give pleasure ».
This client came to me with a PE (Premature Ejaculation) problem. He's been experiencing it for about 5 years. He isn't enthusiastic about having sex with his wife because sex became an obligation or a job for him. He doesn’t associate it with fun and pleasure.
He is avoiding intimacy. And when they have it, it’s disappointing. His partner is critical. She wants deep long-lasting penetration. And she gets frustrated when this doesn’t happen. She also thinks he doesn’t desire her as much as before.
No one is at fault here. Sexuality has never been taught to us. Everything else we know, we had other people to follow and learn from. Sexuality, supposedly, we inherently simply must know how to do. And that’s so wrong.
His confidence is down, he begins questioning his manhood, his masculinity. He is feeling not enough, lacking as a man. Ouch!
There is huge tension in the air between them, and not the good kind. They don’t talk about it. They’d rather choke on the tension that they both feel in their bodies and resign themselves to what is, than go through the discomfort of conversing about the elephant in the room transparently and vulnerably.
What to do?
It’s important to acknowledge what is, and start moving towards what can be changed.
PE happens for two reasons - first, a man’s lack of body awareness and his inability to manage his sexual energy, and second, the energetic closeness of his partner. A third reason can be trauma around sexuality.
To heal PE ideally both partners should be doing the work, individually and together, as a couple.
Him: focus on embodiment practices, healing around any hang-ups he has around sexual beliefs and stories, deep belly breathwork practices, and conscious self-pleasure. Also relearning the basics of how to touch her and what to pay attention to, cultivating presence with her, so she can begin trusting his touch and open up sexually.
Her: learning to voice what pleasures her, speaking up, embodiment practices towards becoming more rooted in pleasure; healing sexual conditioning. Being supportive and accepting.
Both: have an uncomfortable gut-wrenching conversation about this elephant in the room from a place of love and trust and a desire to make intimacy and relationship better.
This is easier said than done. But you’ve got to start with something.
I am always here to offer my support. Please share this blog with people in your life who you think might benefit from it.
Much Love, Iryna