Functionality Kills Eroticism

Hey there,

Today, I wanted to share about how our mundane, functional, logistical aspects of our lives literally kill the erotic in the relationship. It is especially apparent to those couples who start a family, become parents. 

I know this one from my own experience.

Everyone says, how parenthood can be hard, exhausting, and an intimacy killer. It is sort of expected. Though if young parents have support of the village, things can be easier.

Nevertheless, passion and spontaneous sex as it used to be is no longer available for the majority of young parents. I hear this from my friends and my clients. 

So how do we keep passion and fire going in the relationship?

So here are a few tips I would love to share that worked in my relationship dynamic:

1. Embrace the mindset of a new norm. Both myself and my partner have gotten a new identity to navigate with the birth of our son. So this meant for both of us to learn how to live with this new identity, and have grace and kindness towards each other because mistakes were inevitable, frustration and projections were present daily. We had to learn to talk things through and not judge one another. 

2. Create intentional intimacy moments. This meant putting on a schedule (once a week) one to two hours of our time. We made sure we had help with our kid that evening or day. We made sure both of us prepared for this time. I was just simply thinking about the upcoming day with excitement and was choosing sexy outfit to put on, was getting myself into the identity of my "sensual woman". Sometimes it was easy, other times it was not. At times we would spend the entire time of our scheduled date helping me get into my "woman". And our dates would often look like - naked cuddles, sharing our appreciations for one another (or clearing the debris of resentment),  just kissing, laughing or massaging each other. 

3. Being aware and intentional about switching from functional/parenting mode to more present/erotic mode. This one required from both of us becoming super good at our own self care and replenishing of energy, especially for me. Sleepless nights and breastfeeding put me in a survival mode and giving all of my life force to nurturing my son. Whatever little I have left for myself I needed to amplify with a very intentional practice - dance, self-pleasure, alone time doing nothing, bath, sleep during the day with my son, going out and spending time with girl friends etc. For my partner, the same - his own self care routine. Luckily for us both, my partner is good at sublimating his sexual energy, so I never had to feel pressure to have sex. 

4. Resting in deep knowing that whatever we are going through is only a moment in time. We are not doomed to forever be in sexless and passionless relationship. When one knows this there is no anxiety, but more of a peaceful and easy energy. I have made a conscious decision to be very present with my child on a daily and devote myself to him. Yes it meant less time for me and my partner, but I also have gotten very grounded in knowing that it is temporary. Thus the pressure was off, and there was more of exciting and joyful curiosity that came from this peaceful and easy place. AND, this also meant that we have kept our practices ongoing and our scheduled intimacy alive so that we don't get complacent and rely on spontaneity. 

5. Removing the pressure to have a certain outcome (orgasm or penetratice sex). For that we embraced the "circumstance" of having a sleeping child in another room and often, had to stop what we were doing and tend to him. We both were understanding and easy-going about it. 

6. Having a few sessions with a couple's therapist. This one took sometime for both of us to get to. We both tend to not ask for help until the very last moment. But once we did, it was super supportive and more needed than we were willing to admit. 

This letter ended up geared towards young parents. However this information, in my view, can be relevant to all long-term couples who lost passion and spark in their relationship and became roommates or just loving friends. 

My intent here was to share, that loosing passion and spark in long term relationship is normal and so many couples go through this phase. And it does not mean that you no longer feel turned on by your partner, wife, husband. It means more often than not, that you just let intimacy take care of itself, relying on spontaneity, got lost in functionality and mundane. And what is simply needed to rekindle it all is your conscious awareness, acceptance of what is and desire to tend to it on a daily like a beautiful garden of roses you nurture. 

Hope this message was helpful for you.

Much love and gratitude,

Iryna